Hope

We all want to have hope. Hope gets us up in the morning and drives us to achieve what we otherwise would just dream about. Hope allows us to keep going when circumstances are dire and there does not appear to be any opportunity of turning the tide. Hope is the expectation of something in the absence of empirical data. Hope is everything to the recovering addict.Hope is a key ingredient in motivating a person to move forward in recovery, knowing that there will be good days and bad, knowing that recovery is a process and not an instantaneous event, and knowing that with perseverance, a good outcome is achievable. Hopeless is a destructive, but avoidable state of mind. Hopeless suggests that nothing can help, not even the most advanced medical intervention, not the love of family and friends, and not even the power of God. Hopeless is a form of denial. It goes right along with addiction, because nothing else matters in life, except to limit ourselves to our addictive experience. Once in the throws of the disease, hopelessness becomes the norm because alternatives are squelched. Even if someone wants help, there are a million reasons why nothing will work. No suggestion, no treatment option, no differing worldview is allowed to become a consideration because the diseased mind can’t comprehend the plan. Hopeless can’t see from beginning to end. Hopeless is giving up because the here and now is too difficult. Hope is that little crack in the curtain that allows a ray of light to shine through. Recovery is possible if you are honest, open and willing, and hope is that openness to change. When we feel hopeless, it implies a resistance to change or a fear of what we don’t know. Hope takes that little crack in the curtain and throws it open, allowing the room to be filled with sunlight. Hope means believing in a possibility, even if we only have a scant sliver of faith that it will happen. You can build on hope by looking forward and allowing yourself to be cared for. You can also build on hopeless by doing nothing. In that regard, hope is a little harder because it requires some effort. Hopeless has no standard, other than doing nothing and allowing nothing. I see hope as a more intellectually challenging and intellectually honest position. It discards denial and works with solutions. Hope has possibilities. Hope is the place to be. I see that clearly.....now.

Living with no excuses

Today, someone invited me to their website, and I saw on it a list of quotes. One of them particularly caught my eye, as it was very close to the way I've decided to look at life... Live with no excuses and love with no regrets. I've made it a point in my new life to try and make sure the decisions I make are ones upon which I can look back with no regrets. I am sick of looking at the past and wonder "...what if I had..." or "...if only I'd waited a little longer..." "I wish I'd..." I am sick of living with so many regrets. I had a psychology teacher in college who once told us "could've, should've and would've don't belong in your vocabulary." I heard those words and they struck home. Now in recovery, even when my choices make little sense to anyone else, I've tried to make decisions to ultimately let me avoid any such regrets and wasted time on wondering what I could have done differently.Sometimes people ask me how I can forgive myself for all the heartbreak, for all the pain I have put my family and past friends through. I tell them the truth. If even one little thing were different, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be the person I am today. So I'm ok with forgiving the past, because I can look back with no regrets. That's not to say I don't look back with sadness. Alcoholism and drug addiction affected every part of my friends and family, it changed people and my relationships forever. I'm sad things went so terribly wrong, that I crashed and burned, that I took people I love down with me. But today, I have a wonderful partner and true friends. I don't try to justify to people why I do what I do or why I did what I did. Why I seem to be consumed with loneliness, why some days it feels as though there is a monster stalking me. Most people can't comprehend that doing nothing is a choice, and it's a choice that's ok to make until you're ok with moving on to a different place in your life. Some things can't be rushed, and only you can know when is the right time to make changes in your life so that you don't have to regret any decisions. I can say that living my life this way has had a tremendous impact on my ability to survive with so much wreckage in my past. I now find truth and honesty refreshing. I find that true people want to be with me and be around me. Why I made bad choices isn't a concern to them. How I recovered is. How I survived what I did and how I worked my ass of to become the person I am today is important to them. My recovery is a journey I need to talk about, even if some people don't want to hear it. My shame is real, but does not define me or my life.I believe, no matter the things people do, if they love us or hurt us, they all come into our life for a reason. And I believe when you've been hurt by someone's actions, give yourself the time to discover what it was you were meant to gain or learn from the experience. The lesson is different for each of us, and only you can know when you've discovered what it is you're meant to learn from each journey - but I assure you the lesson is there. And when you've found it, and you've accepted it and what it means in terms of your personal growth - then you can "Live with no excuses and love with no regrets." After the years of feeling trapped by alcoholism and drug addiction - this is a very freeing way to think and live. It's also extremely gratifying - at least I think so. People judge and forget others pain. People turn away from hardship and walk away from the very people they should be running towards. I am not ashamed of my past as an addict. I lived in a hell I cannot describe for many years. I have seen and done things I refuse to speak of.....but I am here today. Clean for three years. True, honest, and happy. I can honestly say, I am proud of who I am today........